Tips for the Discipline of Children and Teens
© 1998 Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

Note: I wish I could guarantee results, but success depends on many factors. Do the best you can, and let’s hope you have success.

Discipline is critical if you are to train your kids to be responsible adults. But discipline is something that must be approached carefully and done right. The future of your children’s lives depends on you doing a good job. Also, your own comfort during the teenage years depends in large part upon you doing things out of love and doing a good job of discipline during the preschool and grade school years.

Remember this: Nothing is more important than maintaining a good relationship with each child. This is where love comes in. Let’s define love as doing things for another, for their good and not your own. In other words, when you discipline your kids, it should be for their good, not, say, to get your anger out. When you discipline and give out some natural consequence that will both teach and likely hurt a little (in the way of inconvenience, sadness, or deprivation), your child may not feel that you love him or her. But what is really important is that you did what you did out of love, for the child’s good and not to meet your own needs. In your child’s mind sometime in the future, he or she will see the love.

Let me say it again: nothing is more important than maintaining a good relationship with each child by doing everything out of love for them. Therefore, try not to punish your children. Punishment, as I use the term, means just making your child feel emotional pain for doing something wrong. Good parents do not punish, they discipline. Discipline makes sense; punishment is often just an expression of anger. Discipline teaches; punishment merely makes children afraid of doing something wrong. Only discipline sees that the child is taught what is wrong, why it is wrong, and how not to do the wrong again. Discipline also teaches what needs to be done to make the situation right.

Families need rules. Rules are part of the teaching effort of parents. Rules need to be specific, easily understood, and clearly beneficial to the family. Discipline (or consequences) insures compliance to these necessary rules.

Explain how family rules make life easier for the family members. Freedom doesn't mean "no limits." There is freedom within the boundaries of family rules. Make as many rules as you need, but no more than you absolutely need.

A successful family has a purpose, and from that purpose come goals and actions. Similarly, family rules come out of the desire for harmony, fun, love, and other good parts of family living. Family goals motivate children, especially teens, to establish and follow rules.

Often, kids break a rule because they don't know what it's for. So make sure all the rules have legitimate reasons. You never want to seem arbitrary in your rule-making. "Because I said so" is reasonable for very early training, but it doesn’t explain or teach anything. And it sure won’t survive the teenage years.

Discipline is what happens after rules are broken. Remember – remember – remember! The purpose of discipline is teaching, not getting even. Teach your child the specific result of disobedience. Often, just knowing what the logical result of disobedience will be sufficient to deter much disobedience and poor performance – if your child knows that you will always do what you say you'll do. You want your children to understand that disobedience and poor performance is more trouble than it’s worth. And never threaten anything on which you won't follow through . That's part of integrity.

Deal with problems in ways that help your child. If you look at misbehavior and think, "My kid's just bad," you're missing the point of parenting. Problems and misbehaviors show where your child is in his or her development. They're directional markers to point out what you need to help your child learn next. Sound like a long process? Well, nothing about raising children happens quickly!

Really try to avoid power struggles! With toddlers, be pleasant while you're firm. With older kids, be curious! When they refuse to do something, ask them, "Why not?" Talk it over before getting tough. And don't get nasty. Being almost naively curious with questions will motivate them to explain their positions - and as they explain they'll be thinking things through. Ask them the questions they should be asking themselves. But do it so non-threateningly that they'll be thinking rather than getting defensive.

Spanking is hardly ever necessary - since so many other ways work better at showing authority! Spanking only teaches that you're in control. Of course you're in control, and you can explain why you are in control rather than spank. Look at most misbehavior as questions about life to be answered, not as bottoms to be hit. If you believe in spanking, you must do it lightly, and when you are not controlled by your anger.

Be as consistent as you can. Successful parents do what they say, whether making the child clean the garage over again or taking the child on a promised picnic. If you shrug off your own rules without legitimate explanation, your child learns that it's okay to break the rules. If you "make an exception" to a rule, clarify why, and say if you will – or won't – make the same exception again. If you make the same exception more than once, maybe the family should sit down and revise the rule!

Make your rules as a family – together. Good relationships of love and respect can let this happen. When kids help make the rules, they "own" the rules, and they'll obey them more consistently. When the family discusses what rules are needed, kids do become reasonable, and often suggest rules, as well as consequences for breaking them.

Your kids need to know a family rule before they're expected to obey it. And they need to know the consequence for breaking the rule. Surprise punishments build big resentment and lead to rebellion.

So when you're about to say, "Don't do that!" think first: are you sure your child knows what to do? If you haven't seen your child do the thing right a few times, then be sure to tell him or her what to do, not just what not to do. But if you know your child knows the right thing and has done it many times before, then just give a logical consequence. This is discipline time.

For instance, if your 4-year-old pushes another child, and you're sure you've taught him not to push or hit other children, then tell him not to do it, and have him play on the other side of the room for five minutes, explaining that he can only play with other children if he does not hit or push them. After five minutes, talk to him; if he convinces you that he will play politely, have him apologize to the other child, and give him another chance to be successful. Remember... you're teaching how to be successful, not how to feel like a failure!

If your teenager is driving you somewhere and she goes too fast, ask her to check her speed. If she refuses to slow down, tell her she must slow down and that you'll discuss a consequence at home later. Later, you take away a day of driving; then you require her to drive you somewhere twice, staying within the speed limit, before she can resume driving alone.

Use natural or "logical" consequences when you discipline. Natural, or logical, consequences teach. They show much more clearly what happens in life when you don’t do what you need to or when you do not do a job right.

Natural consequences connect to real life. Unfortunately, most parents discipline with punishments that make little sense and do not teach. For example, sending a child to his or her room only makes sense if a child is just not able to get along with others, but knows what to do and refuses to do it. In such a case it is logical to cut off contact with people. But what if that child likes to be off by himself and is really trying to get out of normal family social responsibilities? Then sending the child to his or her room will just make the behavior occur more often. In such a case, the parent would be better off to find a consequence that forces the child to have to develop and use social skills. Depending upon the child, that consequence could be having friends over and having to entertain them and be a good host, babysitting for free some younger children (with or without a parent around) or helping with some job at church or another organization where social skills are required and can be practiced.

The beauty of logical consequences (or natural consequences or teaching consequences – whatever you want to call them – is that you can impose them as things that will help your youngster. And it is easy to give them with a friendly attitude. However, to your child, it will often still feel like a punishment. But that is your child’s problem, because you are just doing what you have to in order to help them grow up and be successful.

Another over-used punishment is restriction. The strategy is to make the child or teen miserable and so motivate them to do whatever it is they did not do. Your child or teen will be angry with you because restriction will seem just like a power play, similar to spanking. However, the beauty of a "teaching-consequence" is that in many cases what is taught also restricts. For example, a good logical consequence for not cleaning your room and passing a parental inspection by noon on Saturday is that the room has to be done over and pass inspection before that child can play or that teen can leave the premises.

The "teaching-consequence" of having to clean extra rooms to practice cleaning until your child knows how to clean the first time is great for when the kitchen is constantly cleaned incorrectly or not in a timely fashion. This also results in restriction, but when your child objects that he or she will not be able to do something, you can merely reply that you, too, are disappointed that he or she cannot do the activity – that you wished they knew how to work and do a good job so that they could be going and doing. The child will try to make you the "bad guy", but you will be on solid ground as the "good guy" because you have shown how to do a good job. And you will also be the "good guy" who wants them to have a pleasant and prosperous future. Internally, most children and teens will realize that they have caused their own problem and not waste time being angry with you.

The longer a power struggle between you and your child has been going on, the longer it might take for your child to realize that you are not trying to be "mean" but just have the job of making sure they know how to do the basic chores of life by the time they leave your home.

When you're harshly "getting after" your children, no matter what their age, all they’re probably thinking about is your how mad you are! You have a legitimate, very important message to communicate! You want them to hear your good advice that will protect them and others. Telling your son or daughter off, screaming, or raging will not teach what you want to teach. Getting after your kids will make them feel afraid, not safe or loved. Then, when they need your help, they'll be afraid to come to you. And you sure don't want that!

You can discipline and hand out consequences without being mean or withdrawing emotionally from your child. You can be reasoning, and you can be firm. But stay loving throughout. Some experts call this "tough love." You can say, without rejection in your voice, "You I love, but that behavior I don't!"

You also have within yourself the capacity to not over-react. Not everything is a crisis! Ask yourself, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how serious is this?" Then act accordingly.

Discipline has to be fair and apply to everyone. The rule might vary for different ages, and so might the consequences for disobedience, but explain those variations clearly. Otherwise, your kids may think you're playing favorites because everyone isn't treated exactly the same. So don't assume – explain.

Never treat your children as bad – it's their behavior that's wrong. Mary and Mary's behavior are two different things. The behavior may be undesirable, but your child should never be undesirable. Children who see themselves as good try to act good.

In closing, remember also that your deep relationship of love and true respect gives you influence, especially in the long run. So be firm in discipline, but also loving and reasonable.

Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Colorado Springs, Colorado