Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The Dying for a Quick Fix Issue
© April 2002, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Can't it just go away? Please. Dream on. It isn't that easy. Besides, great change is worth the effort.

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO FOOL YOURSELF WITH QUICK FIX MIRACLE HOPES
(SURE BEATS THE HARD WORK OF REALLY CHANGING YOURSELF)

People ought to shape up fast! 'Cause we need em to. That's why! They know we want or need them to change. So, what's with the Taking Forever Routine? Let them get on with it!

Besides, if they would just change themselves fast, we wouldn't have to change ourselves. That's the good part. Why change for the better if the other person will do it?

And, doesn't it burn you that there are not enough Quick Fixes? Why isn't there a pill (or a lightbulb) that immediately makes another person treat you just the way you want?

And don't give me that psychobabble that says real change takes time and effort. Why, I know a guy who used to treat his horse just terrible. One day the horse bit him in the butt when he was lighting up. And, just like that - he started treating that horse better.

So, why don't people who we would like to change for our benefit go get bit by a horse?

Of course, we would not like to get bit by a horse. For ourselves, we want kinder, gentler Quick Fixes. What'd you say? Did you say, "Quick Fixes don't work?" You're bustin' my bones here! Who would want to be bitten in the butt if it might not work?

Well, if real change takes such effort and time, why can't we sleep through it? Something like hypnosis would work. It's the pits that real change has to take so much learning and practice.

It just ain't fair!

If we want change without work, are there any Easy Fixes around? I mean, without horses being even remotely involved? Like, could we go real slow? I know that would stretch out the negative experience for others in my life. That's a drag. But, maybe, in the meantime, they could go get bit by a horse.

And, furthermore, I want to be scored on my intentions, not my behavior. Why can't he or she see that I didn't do it to cause problems? Why do I have to be responsible if I caused a problem but didn't mean to? Why do I have to leave this great, self-serving childish way of thinking?

One last question, please. How come we are so wonderful - and they are not? That's always bugged me. Don't tell me that stuff about, "You're each 50% responsible for the problem." How could it be precisely 50%? I mean, if we are so great and wonderful (and we can think of at least one example as our complete legal case), how could we be responsible for more than, say, 5% of the trouble?

SAY GOODBYE TO THE QUICK FIX

In this fast-paced world, we all want quick solutions. We don't have time. More critically, we don't have patience. Or courage for that matter.

But, quick fixes rarely work. They only lead to changed behavior for a little while. Real change takes a great deal of changed thinking and feeling followed by changed behavior. It takes patience for all the practicing that is required. And it takes courage to endure the pain while the changing takes place.

When it comes to changing ourselves in some way that doesn't require interaction with other people, fixes can be quicker. In that rare case, change is not dependent upon change on another's part. A person can make some pretty firm decisions about some things and proceed on those decisions as long as there is not interference from personal temptations or complications from interactions with other people.

But, when change has to come in a relationship (like with a husband and wife) - WOW. We're talking a completely different story here. Now change doesn't usually come in leaps and bounds. Often one person has to make a minor change for the other person to make a minor change that sets the stage for the first person to take the next step in changing.

It is a little like mountain climbing. One person gets to the top and then helps and waits for the other person to get there. Then they take the next incline. And so forth, until they reach their goal.

Our habits and ways of responding to people have taken years to develop. They are not going away in a week or a month. Layer upon layer of cement foundation has been set down on which our behaviors have hardened. Plus, we have all developed defenses to blind ourselves to our problems. Some of us are so blind that we present an argument whenever our spouse offers criticism. We don't even want to think of ourselves as needing to be fixed. Then, when we finally have to admit a problem, we want a quick fix.

Most of us want to avoid tough change. We don't want to go through the hard effort to change the monster we occasionally see in the mirror. We are not at all comfortable with our sinfulness and our incompleteness.

But, change does take time. And, sometimes we can only make a little change until other conditions change. Patience is needed. Change is a process.

If we can overcome the barriers that keep us from looking at ourselves with critical eyes, we can focus on changing ourselves for the good of others - whether or not those others make changes. We are responsible for ourselves. We can be happy with ourselves for making changes we know we should make. We can give joy to others who have not yet learned to give joy to us.

Sadly, there is usually no quick relief. However, taking a year to make a great marriage that will go for 20 more years sure beats 21 years of hardship and hurt.

IN THE NEWS

GOOD NEWS OR FALSE HOPES?

BEAR HOLLOW, ALASKA

Elmo and Alberta Zottlebanger may have gotten the message - finally. (The town hopes so.)

After not a single soul attended The Zottlebanger Way Seminar on Family Closeness, Elmo had to beg for mercy from the bank. Seems the Zottlebangers were so sure of a rousing crowd paying big bucks to become like them that they used their house payment money to advertise the failed workshop. The bank required Elmo to meet with the Town Council - who set them straight.

Elmo promised to change his ways and bought a book over the Internet titled How to Become Decent People. The book is subtitled, "for those who bother people and the bothered people who bother about them". Always one for the Quick Fix, Elmo hoped reading the title and walking around town carrying the book would do it.

However, the townspeople were insistent. When Elmo walked by them, book under his armpit, chanting broke out. "Read the book, read the book, read the book, Elmo!" could be heard from a chorus of voices all over town. People were having so much fun with what has been labeled Elmo's Quick Fix that they were chanting this chorus even if Elmo was not even near.

In fact, hoping that a miracle would strike Elmo, people dropped books off at the Zottlebanger residence - for Elmo's armpit. Titles included such titles as "Raising Kids So They Don't Spit on the Sidewalk", "Hearing Exercises for Those Who Are Not Really Deaf", and "Basic Manual on Advanced Use of the Large Black Plastic Garbage Bag", to name but a few.

Ah, well. Even if the Quick Fixes don't work, the town has been having an awful lot of fun. Even Elmo enjoyed showy walks about town with two books tucked under his armpits - making his gait look like an uptight prairie fowl looking for an outhouse.

But, Elmo loves the attention. And the town is beginning to love him too.