Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The All-Weather, All-Terrain Friend Issue
© July 2001, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

If you're going to be a friend, why not be a great one? Then, if you live to be 101, you'll have people to bury you.

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

FRIENDSHIP AND SOME THINGS IT'S ABOUT

Good friends are hard to find nowadays -- harder than finding a prairie dog with a good song or jackpots in Cripple Creek. Sooooo . . . why not apply for Good Friend Status today. Being a good friend is an accomplishment that lasts all the way to heaven.

Hey, how did we get this problem? Why is it so difficult to find a friend that is just as interested in you as he or she is in himself or herself? Well, it's just my rotten opinion, but two things come to mind.

Numero Uno: There are and have been too many busy parents who don't have much time for their children. It wasn't this way even 100 years ago when boys worked the fields with their pops and girls cooked alongside their moms in the farmhouse kitchen. In that scheme, there was plenty of talking and relating time. The problem today is that kids and most of us adults didn't learn to hang around with a parent, thinking of things to say and being forced to ask about what was going on with our parents. So we were on our own and had to watch out for ourselves and think about what "I" want to do with all this spare time, etc. We learned to look at everything from a self-focused perspective. Being on our own, we programmed our minds to watch out for ourselves, thus making ourselves Number One (a really asinine proposition). Thus, we don't naturally think of other people except how they might benefit us. (Boy, is society in trouble!) This leaves us unable to be interested in other people for their sake. We also are often unaware of people's needs from us.

Numero Dos: Perhaps to make up for not being around, or to keep the kids busy so that parents could get chores done and kick back, kids have been given everything they want -- except true relationship. Really expensive video games and systems (some kids have two expensive systems, usually Nintendo and PlayStation) make up for the need to be alone because parents are unavailable. Then, when parents are available, they do things for their kids (take them to participate in three or more sports leagues - the soccer mom syndrome) or do things with their kids (play video games or catch together, go shopping, etc.), but rarely communicate more than superficially.

To many grown up kids, relationship is only doing things together. The result is that being together, being interested in one another, and true relationship is not learned. Activity is just one context in which relationship could take place -- but usually does not.

Anyway, that's how I think many people become friendship-challenged.

If you are like me, you can't remember hanging out and talking with parents and grandparents, just enjoying the relationship. Can you have a better conversation with your dog, cat or car than with people? Do you think your internal thoughts communicate so that you don't have to speak out loud much? If you answered "yes", then perhaps you were left alone too much and/or allowed to be alone too much.

Well, let's grab onto something bigger than ourselves! Let's pick (1) a few people with whom to be really great friends, (2) another, larger batch with whom to be fairly good friends, and (3) dump everyone else into the categorie of "acquaintances" with whom we don't even try to be true friends.

"DON'T YOU WISH" PERSONALS

SWM (single while male) looking for a good friend. Have learned the joy of being with people. Will show up with something to say. Will listen to your stories, even multiple times because being with you will be my objective for the friendship. Some quiet okay.

MAAF (married African-American female) wishing to learn different things from another person who wants a good friend. Common interests are irrelevant. Not necessarily looking for someone to do with me the things I like. Let's show each other new enjoyments, hobbies, knowledge, etc.

SENIOR looking for a friend who likes history and words. Let's write each other's biographies. Must be sharp and, thus, computer literate and not fanglephobic © DW (not afraid of new-fangled things). We're old, so we like to look back and remember. So, let's get our butts off our rocking chairs. What do you say? Send application to Millicent in care of Pleasant Acres Retirement Village.

URBAN LEGEND** WANNA-BE

Then there was this friend of a friend of mine who went down to befriend homeless bridge people. He became friends with one old guy and every couple of days went and played cribbage with him under the bridge. One day the homeless gentleman died, and later that month the "true friend" inherited the homeless man's estate worth $3,575,000.

Moral: It pays to be a good friend. ** Urban legends are stories passed on that are not true, are too good to be true.

THREE KINDS OF FRIENDS

TYPE X PEOPLE are Tentatively-Committed, Occasional Friends (primarily self-focused).

These are people who see friends as something far less important than their own personal pursuits. Generally, they are only available on their own terms, when there is nothing better to do. Relationship is not a big priority.

These Type X Tentatively-Committed, Occasional Friends should seek each other as friends. They will not be very desirable friends for Type Y and Type Z People. They do not give enough to the friendship to be considered a good friend. Only their own kind of people will not be frustrated with their self-focus.

Type X Tentatively-Committed, Occasional People do very little that is not comfortable for them. Add to that their desire to do only that which they like, and they don't make themselves flexible or available for much more than very limited friendships. Type X People choose themselves and their own pursuits over being with other people.

Type X Tentatively-Committed, Occasional People don't have or need many friends. This is fortunate, for they seldom look like friendship material to others. They don't give enough of themselves to their friends.

TYPE Y PEOPLE are Less-Available But Committed Friends (focused on many people).

Less-Available But Committed Friends are people who usually can be counted on, but are either too busy or have too many friends to spend much time with each of their friends. It works best for them if something like football parties or church brings them together regularly. These people will usually make time out of their busy schedules to do something or go somewhere just because the other person is important.

Because they have so many friends, and, thus, not enough time to spread around, these kind of people will be the most resentful of Type X, Tentatively-Committed, Occasional Friends who try to have a friendship without going out of their way. They often feel rejected by Type X People have much more time than they do to be with friends but are more committed to their own interests and comfort zones than to other people. At least for a few hours every so often, Type Y People want to be more important than the favorite activities of Type X People.

Less-Available But Committed Friends (Type Y) are not usually good prospects for the inner-circle friends of Type Z People, Regularly-Attentive Committed Friends. They are too busy or have to share their time with too many people to be good Type Z Friends. But Type Y People will be included and appreciated by Type Z People. Type Z People will have the majority of their needs met by their inner-circle of closest friends, so they may still enjoy being with Type Y People when they are available.

TYPE Z PEOPLE are Regularly-Attentive Committed Friends (focused on a few people).

Regularly-Attentive Committed Friends have a few really close friends with whom they are in fairly constant contact. Regularly-Attentive Committed Friends seek a few people with whom they can have a frequent relationship. These deeper friendships allow them to relate more occasionally with Type Y People and with Type X People on the rare occasions when they want to be involved.

Sometimes Type Z People try to make their spouse one of these frequent relational friends. That usually only works if the spouse is a Regularly-Attentive Person. For example, my wife Jean might like me to be a Regularly-Attentive Committed Friend as well as a husband. But, since I am a Type Y Less-Available But Committed Friend, I don't have the time to do an adequate job of it.

THESE DEFINITIONS ARE JUST THOUGHT-PROVOKERS

Use these descriptions to think through your friendships. Maybe you will find why you are frustrated with someone. As I think about myself, I see that I present myself as Type X in reaction to true Type X People as well as folks with whom I'm not interested in developing a Type Y Relationship, my kind of friendship. I've never had a Type Z Friendship where work did not bring me together four out of five days a week.

What about you? What kind of a friend are you?

INTERVIEW WITH MELBORNE GIBSON

INTERVIEWER: Must I think about sex whenever an attractive member of the opposite gender passes me?

GIBSON: I admit that the movie "What Women Want" overplayed the "must think sex" thing. If women were really like that, there would be many more happy men than there are. As for me, I think bringing sex into everything is a bit adolescent. Sure wish people would grow up and see one another as humans with dreams and needs and struggles and lots of other things. Please see my better movies, like "Braveheart".

INTERVIEW WITH SANDRA BOWLICKS

INTERVIEWER: Is it better to kick butt than be a friend?

SANDRA: As my recent film "Miss Congeniality" attests, it is better to enjoy closeness, but my character certainly had major roadblocks to friendships. But it ended well, and I made friends with the gals and got started on a deeper relationship with a guy. So, if you're still beating the crud out of those close to you, as I did with the my fellow FBI agent in the film, why not stop it and become a beauty?

INTERVIEW WITH JEAN WULF

INTERVIEWER: How is your husband as a friend?

CLASSIFIEDS

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