Dick Wulf's Tongue-in-Cheek Newsletter to Improve Relationships
slightly off-the-wall BUT better than graffiti

The How to be a Lousy Friend Issue
© June 2001, Dick Wulf, Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA

Why be a good friend and have lots of fellowship when you can make friendship all about your needs and be lonely?

NOTE: This is supposed to be humorous so we can look at ourselves and have fun. We are all of us a bit off the mark. We can cry about it or have fun and laugh at ourselves. Laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves too seriouosly allows us to view ourselves just seriously enough to change, but not so seriously as to inhibit our improvement by condemnation or defensiveness.

HOW TO FAIL (GO DOWN IN FLAMES, SCREW UP) AT FRIENDSHIP

So you've got too many friends and you want to get rid of them. Right? Okay.

Fortunately, it's far easier to be a horrible friend than a good one, so this should be SIMPLE.

Number One BE FULL OF YOURSELF. No, I don't mean that you should cut off one of your limb's and make a hearty stew. I mean, think of yourself more highly than you think of others. Or more needy. Or more fun. Or smarter. People hate to be around folks whose exalted idea of themselves always makes them first priority.

You know that your needs should have priority! Why, they're right there in the front of your mind. If you can see them on the big screen, why should anybody else's needs or ideas be of higher priority?

Second LET OTHERS KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT. Now that you are focused on yourself, you are ready to communicate to your friends that they aren't nearly as important to you as you are to yourself. You don't want them thinking that you are going to try to be aware of their needs or what is going on in their lives.

The key to this second step is to constantly be aware of your own needs, so much so that you don't even think about the needs of those people around you. Once you recognize that your friends have legitimate needs, your whole strategy will begin to crumble. You must not think of your friends as real people with real needs and real desires. They must remain only personal resources for you.

Third DON'T CHANGE FOR THE SAKE OF ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. Pride yourself on how you are. You might even want to brag about how you are a certain way, and that people will just have to accept you just as you are.

Fourth DISCOUNT PEOPLE AND WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO THEM. Here's the method. Sometime ask your friends what is going on in their lives. Or, maybe you won't have to do this. Maybe they have already told you some of the important things going on in their lives. Anyway, once you know the important stuff, never ask about those things. Be patient. It will take them a while to realize you don't give a hang about them. But eventually their subconscious minds will tell them that, to you, you are the important thing worth remembering and commenting on. Once they know that your focus is almost exclusively on yourself and that you will hardly ever ask about their important things, they won't bother you (hurray!) with invitations to do fun things, eat great food, or share unique experiences.

Another way to discount your friends and turn them into folks who do not seek you out is to make sure they know that you don't like to spend time with them unless they are doing something exciting. Let them know that it is not them that makes you want to get together, but just the activity.

Fifth AVOID ENJOYING YOUR FRIENDS. Get uptight about things they say. Take issue with them about any subject. Do not value what they speak about, always having something to add of your own and never letting them know that they are (gasp!) interesting.

If you find yourself enjoying a friend, get a grip on yourself. At least don't tell him or her that you find something said interesting. Find something, anything, to be critical of and begin complaining.

Sixth DON'T ADD TO WHAT OTHERS SAY -- UPSTAGE THEM! Steal the limelight whenever possible. You will often have something good to add, just be sure to either make the friend sound stupid or inadequate or do not give him or her any credit for saying something worthwhile.

Seventh KEEP BRINGING UP YOUR PROBLEMS, BUT DON'T TAKE ANY OF THEIR ADVICE. They will really get tired of you fast when they begin thinking they are speaking to a brick wall. Don't make any progress on your problems or situations, and make sure that you ask them over and over again to be concerned for you.

Eighth DON'T DISCUSS THINGS, JUST GIVE SIMPLE ANSWERS, OPINIONS OR LECTURES. Get it?

Ninth DO NOT BE THERE FOR OTHERS WHEN THEY NEED YOU. Simple enough.

LICENSE TO BE
THE ONLY IMPORTANT PERSON

Cost: $4,000,000**
and almost all of your friends

This license allows you to focus almost completely on your needs and ignore most every need of others. With this license, you get to do the following.

1. Say whatever you want to say without having to waste one single thought on how the other person or people might take it. All that will matter is that you feel witty or you get to feel superior or you get to distance yourself from people because they are so scarey.

2. You get to talk only about what is happening in your life and do not need to waste any breath asking what is going on in another person's life. Soon people will realize that its all about you and they won't bother even telling you what is going on in their lives.

3. You do not need to leave your comfort zone for the sake of others. You only need to help others or interact with them if you feel like you want to. Their needs do not count as much as your own comfort.

4. You will be able to restrict your friendships to people like yourself who mainly talk about themselves and will understand your lack of availability because they too are self-focused. Those not like you will drop you like a hot potato when they realize that you are rarely "there for them".

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

** Does it seem that the cost is a little steep? The cost is dollar-for-dollar the value purchasers think they are worth.

The Absolutely Horrible Friend Inventory

You've heard of the MBTI. Now get ready for the AHFI.

Check those that apply to you.

[  ] At the last social gathering, you did not ask more than two people something specific about things you knew were going on in their lives.

[  ] In 15 seconds, you can list more things wrong with your friends than things you appreciate.

[  ] You come and go as you please, no matter if a friend needs you or not.

[  ] You help out a friend only if you have to and there is no one else to do it.

[  ] You often exclaim, "That's just the way I am!" to excuse yourself from having to interact with a friend in a way that friend's need requires.

[  ] You often say hurtful things, whether you mean it or not, to push people away from being too close of a friend.

[  ] You run from people when they don't treat you with "kid gloves". Why, they should know that you need to always be treated gently.

[  ] Your reasons almost always cancel out another's reasons.

[  ] You give excuses for things you do not want to do rather than suggesting a few acceptable alternatives.

[  ] When you initiate a topic in conversation, it is usually about you or about something not having to do with the others who are with you.

[  ] After you ask a friend how his or her day was, you have little to ask about the details of the answer given.

[  ] When asked for help, your immediate thought is not, "I'd really like to help."

[  ] When you just cannot help for a legitimate reason, you do not suggest other resources to the person or suggest that you could help at another time.

[  ] Usually, when you enter a room full of friends, you more often are thinking about what you want to tell them than wondering how their lives are going.

Now, add them up. Multiply the number of checkmarks by the number of divorces in your extended family minus the number of dogs. Add the number of your favorite flavor of Baskins-Robbins 31-flavor Ice Cream. Subtract your flatulence quotient listed on your driver's license. Send this number to your favorite politician and then consult what your score means on the chart below.

CLASSIFIEDS

Technical Manual: HOW TO SQUEEZE EVERY DROP OUT OF A FRIEND  Get every benefit your friends have to offer while conserving your own energy for yourself and your own interests. Hey, all that counts is profit, right? Isn't the key to the American lifestyle getting out more than you put in?

IN THE NEWS

MUCK HAPPENS

CONTRARY, MISSOURI

With a flair of unfriendliness unknown to this small quiet community, Elmo Zottlebanger sped through town with his pickup loaded with manure just minutes before the Children's Day Parade. High winds further aggravated the situation and feculence not only spilled all over the parade route but also flew all over spectators lined up along the sidewalks.

When asked why he had his perfectly functional tailgate down, Elmo replied, "That's just the way I am! And I ain't changing for nobody. Hey, sh** happens!"

The community has risen to the challenge of such unfriendliness and store owners have barred the Zottlebangers from all of Contrary's retail establishments.

The Zottlebanger house is up for sale and there are over 20 bids lined up for financing.

"Bye - bye, Elmo and Alberta!"

This is the ongoing saga of the misfit Zottlebanger Family. It is used to illustrate the topic being discussed.
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